"Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. Matthew 7:7
The sermon today was on prayer. As Chip spoke about how important it is to be humble as we acknowledge that we cannot handle everything on our own, I was reminded of how very much we need God to intervene if attachment is ever going to happen.
Chip also talked about how asking reveals a position of dependence, with the weaker person depending on the stronger. Hm-m-m. I couldn't help think of Claire over the last few days. She won't ask for anything. Just this morning, she wanted breakfast and I wanted to sleep. Kelly was already up, so I sent her out of my bed with instructions to go ask Daddy for breakfast. She didn't. Two hours later, she still hadn't eaten because she refused to ask. When I fixed my own breakfast and sat down to eat it, she couldn't believe her eyes. She trotted back to the kitchen and I heard, "Daddy, breakfast please."
He cheerfully complied. We were just waiting to give her breakfast, but she needed to ask.
Over the last few days she has gone without seconds at meals, or without dessert or a snack because she refuses to ask. Such a silly, stubborn choice.
When we are cooking and she wants to taste something, she frames it as a negative. "No eating raisins," she says as we measure raisins for the cookies. She really wants raisins, but she won't ask. When I press, she tells me I won't give her any. Again, I remind her to ask. If she does, she gets a few raisins. But most times, she refuses to ask.
I wonder how often I behave exactly the same way. What nice things is God just waiting to give to me, if I would just ask?
So, today, I asked. Not just in the quiet, desperate place in my heart, but in a much more public way. I'm sure Claire didn't understand why we walked all that way to the front of the church, or what the pastor was saying, but she didn't seem to mind. It was good to agree together in prayer.
I asked with all my heart for God to build healthy attachment between us. I asked Him to renew my love and help Claire learn to trust us.
I asked for complete healing of her brain-- emotionally and cognitively.
And, most of all, I asked that she will understand His love for her and learn to love Him back with all her heart.
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The afternoon didn't show much difference. After lunch, Claire needed to wash the rug she had peed on. I put in in the grass and asked her to hose it off. She can do this. She has used the hose to wash dirt off the driveway before. But, today she refused to squeeze the handle. Okay. I got a book and sat on the deck. Ben brought me a cup of tea to help me stay calm. Claire stood holding that hose for an hour and a half before she squeezed out a little water. The moment she tried, I jumped up and helped her direct the water over the rug to get all the soap off. All it took was one tiny effort toward obedience before I basically stepped in and put my hand over hers to complete the job.
(I wonder what things God is waiting to help me with, if I would only take that first tiny step of obedience?)
I was cold and discouraged when we finally came in. But, God helped me endure. He helped me let go of the frustration and move on. We had fun making pumpkin bread. Claire started using her words again, in a conversational way instead of a manipulative one. Then we sat down to watch an episode of Angelina Ballerina together. Claire actually snuggled up to me on the couch. My heart started to smile again.
I'm not sure what work God is doing in Claire in response to today's prayers.
I do know that He is pouring more love into me, so I can keep on doing love even when it is hard.
So I will keep on praying. Keep on asking for attachment, trust and love. Keep on asking for healing of heart and mind. It may come soon, or it may take years. But I believe God will do what is best, and I will do my best to take each little step of obedience so He can fill my life with all the good things He wants to put in it.
goodness my heart breaks for yours and for Claire's. I have followed ND for about two years and would have never imagined that you would be in this place with her. Im sorry for your struggles and I have you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI raised my niece from the time she was 7 and I was 23, I was to young to be a parent but I did my best. She had issues that I didn't make but paid for, after reading all these blogs that I follow I know realize that she also had and still has attachment problems. I knew it then but didn't know it had a real name. She is 24 and we still battle the same problems but we have learned what they look like, so climbing the mountain may not be any easier but it isn't a surprise when we lose our grip.
I do believe that I have done my best and she will be a better person for it....
I do know that you will get through this, I do know how hostility can rise in a heart when you get what you didn't expect. Stay brave and strong. I am as stubborn as you I believe and I think that is what helped. My niece knew I would not bend so she knew she could not get away with anything but she also knew that she could trust me with everything because I did what I said be it good or bad.
Just know that people are here listening and praying for your family.