Church today was about who we are as a church body, and as children of God. One thing Chip said stuck deep into my heart.
God's purpose in creating us was to have someone to pour His love out on and someone to love Him back.
I don't know if I can explain the ideas this stirred in me, but here are some rambling thoughts.
Our love for God goes through stages of development. God draws us to Himself by doing wonderful things for us. We are drawn to His salvation, His grace, His love for us. We love God because he gives us things we couldn't have without Him. But, eventually, if we are truly growing, we start to love Him for who He is. We begin to mature and know Him for Himself. Even when life is horrible and we don't get what we want and things are all wrong, God is good.
My step into a more mature love was very difficult. It required brokenness and heartache that I would have never chosen for myself. It literally took years and years, but I finally understood that God is good all the time. He is enough when everything else crumbles.
And that makes me think about adoption.
My mommy heart is in some small way a reflection of God when I want to love a child and long for that child to return my love and enter into a relationship with me.
That happened so naturally with Ben and Dan. I poured my love into them as they grew, and now we share strong bond of mutual love for each other. It is right for a mom and her children.
I wanted this same kind of relationship with Ana and Jenny, but they grew up unprotected in a very sinful world. They survived in awful situations in very hard places. By the time I met them their hearts were damaged. Real love was scary to them. Healthy relationships were painful and frightening. They fought against forming a bond with all that was within them.
They returned hatred for love. They rewrote experiences into something awful, telling lies so many times that they started to believe their own stories. They thrived on creating chaos, and driving wedges between people. They didn't want love to exist for anyone because they couldn't find a way to accept it themselves.
When I entered into their pain through adoption, I finally understood that God is good even when I don't understand. He is good, even when it hurts deeply. He is good when He doesn't rescue me from the struggle or give me a happy ending. God is always good.
Will I trust His choice for the next lesson to learn? Will I walk forward in obedience even if I am afraid?
(to be continued)