Awkward and Uncomfortable

 Tonight was our second Skype "visit" with Claire.   Last week was uncomfortable because we had no idea what to expect.  But, there were 4 of us.  So when one of us couldn't think of anything to do or say, another person could.  It was okay.  It was sweet.  She adored her "baba" and asked to see her "ge ge." She was happy to see us even though shy about talking.

Tonight Kelly was out of town, Ben was busy with school, and Dan was out with friends. It was just me in front of the computer.  Claire was not very happy to have "just mama" tonight.  

That is okay. Really it is.   The menfolk in this family are all much more creative and entertaining than I am.  I do better with quiet stories and songs sung softly to sleepy children in the rocking chair.  But I can't hug, or rock, or even manage to read a story over Skype.  The language thing is difficult, but so is the distraction of the technology.   

And so is the distraction of my own fears.  It has been more than ten years but my heart still feels the pain of Tatiana's hatred toward me.   From our first moments together she was extremely loving toward her Dad, but passive aggressive in her responses to me.   She scratched me, stomped on my feet, and made horrid faces at me when no one was looking.  Later, when she could talk, she did everything she could to turn Kelly against me.  She was more successful  than I care to admit, before we figured out what she was doing.  She actually told me that her plan was to force me to move out of the house.

I thought I'd worked through most of my feelings from those difficult years.  For months, as I argued with God, telling Him all the reasons I could never adopt again, He kept assuring me that I could and that it was His plan.  I though it was behind me.

But tonight, when Claire wanted her dad and brothers, a great wave of that old fear crashed over me. My head knows this isn't the same.  My head knows God has chosen us to be Claire's parents.  So tonight, I pray that God will take my emotions captive and help me remember that what is behind is past and what is to come is His plan.

A friend posted a verse on Facebook tonight. It was the perfect reminder that God is always perfectly good, no matter how things may appear at any given moment in time.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah (Jer. 29:11)