The last few days have been really hard for me. My emotions are all over the place with fear, anxiety, sadness, and at times even a stifling sense of panic.
It shouldn't be like this. I'm supposed to be so happy and excited. Everyone I meet tells me how happy I must be after waiting so long. I have a room full of sweet gifts from a surprise baby shower.
We have our plane tickets carefully filed 'til the day we need them. The Chinese money we purchased was delivered today. Everything is coming together perfectly. So why do I feel so awful?
I'm feeling profoundly inadequate to the new task. I'm truly wondering if I can do the thing God is asking me to do.
Perhaps it has something to do with all my dealings with the doctors to try to get all of Claire's prescriptions before we travel. Will I be able to keep them all straight? Will I be able to read her condition well enough to know when she needs extra care? Will we be able to afford all these meds? (The one I had to pick up today cost $700!)
Perhaps all the hours I spent dealing with medical professionals myself in the last few days makes me uncertain. Trying to navigate the hospital system always makes me feel stupid. No one explains what they are doing, and I never know where anything is. I hate being vulnerable while professionals bustle about doing tests. Am I going to be able to manage all the visits to specialists that Claire is going to need? Is my own health going to do something surprising that will prevent me from keeping up with a little girl?
Maybe it has something to do with the difficulty of communication. Skyping with a child in a busy, noisy office isn't ideal. Sometimes she seems so incredibly distractible. Will I be able to teach her? Will we find a way to communicate before she learns language? Will she be able to learn English when she is already dealing with a delay in Chinese speech?
Then again, it might have to do with horrible memories of our last adoption trip. Things didn't go well. And, the girls have done things lately to remind me that there is still so much brokenness in their lives. Will another adoption just be a re-run of all the heartache and pain we have experienced with Ana and Jenny?
I feel so inadequate. Perhaps someone else could do a better job of taking care of Claire. Maybe I'm too old, tired, broken and afraid to do this. The life of a child is at stake.
What if I fail?
What if I fail?