Last Sunday we decided to go to our small group. Claire went into the other room to play with the kids while we prayed and studied with the adults. When it was time to go, she wouldn't come to me. Having my child cling to someone else and pull as far from me as possible wasn't exactly a highlight moment.
The best I can figure out is that she thought she was getting moved to another family and was mentally separating to be ready for the next move. Honestly, why wouldn't she think that? She has had 3 mamas before I showed up. It makes sense to think that someone else just might come along. Still makes me sad, though.
Monday was a rather miserable day. Lots of potty accidents, spilled drinks, dropped food and general inability to do anything that she had been able to do the day before. I have never wanted bedtime to come faster.
Tuesday morning, very early, a little hand patted me on the shoulder. Claire crawled under the covers and snuggled close to me on my air mattress next to her bed. She remained unusually stiff though. As I held her, I asked God to help me understand what she was feeling.
Moments later tears started down my own face as I felt such a strong homesick sadness.
Thank you, Jesus, for reminding me that all our delight is tinged with so much loss and grief.
That morning we looked at pictures together. We talked about the kids, and mostly the "mamas" that Claire is missing. We printed out pictures of each one so she could have them in her little family photo album. We talked about how much they love her.
My heart broke as she went through a list of every person she loves and said in such a plaintive voice, "far-far-away." She sat in my lap and cried.
I cried, and prayed, and cried.
When there was no more energy for another tear, my precious little one put both arms around my neck and said, "One mommy right here."
Yes, sweet Claire Kaichen, I am right here. I love you. I am so honored that you share your grief with me instead of pulling away. I wish you didn't have to know that love can hurt. I pray you will soon trust that love can also bring joy and delight.
|A fuzzy cape to wear on cool morning walks.|
|Making biscuits for supper.|
|Making mommy look silly! I'm surprised I still have any hair--but she was having so much fun.|
|Walking on a board is fun.|
|Resting with Daddy on the deck.|